still.in.search.of.peace.and.solitude

ok its not tt i haf alr forgotten abt this space. its juz that everytime i do not haf tt determination to come in here n write down my thoughts. normally will juz twit my tots away n tts about it. haa.

anyway, juz tot i would drop by here awhile today to pen down some stuff. been tinking if i shld go Play tml. but but. its kinda boring to go really. no. i do haf frens who are going. but recently, it juz seems to me tt...its realli kinda hard to maintain close frenships. of cos, it takes two. so if the other party isnt doin their part, then oh well. nothing much i can do. n aft pple form their clique, its kinda hard to mix in, dont u tink? aft awhile u tot u are in tt clique alr, but hey! something somewhere somehow someone gave u a slap to wake u up tt NOPE! u arent exactly in there. u r juz someone who is still rovering ard tt clique. someone juz trying too hard to be in mayb.

rahhs. dunno wat i talkin abt also. juz suddenly tink its kinda hard to haf frens (real frens) in this circle i tink. either cos each of us are not realli in the same working environment etc or pple alr have their own comfort zone. so ya. decided. dun wanna go to Play tml. haha. :S

s we grow old.. I realise we learn to keep things in ourselves. There'r so many times u feel lk sharing something in you. But jux simply cant find e right person to talk to. Either tt or u dun even know how to formulate wat u've in there. But more often, i tink i find myself having difficulty in finding a person to share with. Of cos, ppl can say thr's alw my gf. But she has enough o her own set o stuffs to worry abt. Plus, i know she wont know wat to say either. Some would say my buddy. But nah.. For him..its more lk i probably know wat he'll say. N somethings guys n girls will nv be e same. So.. Jux keep in me, plug in my earpiece, listen to my fav radio stations, enjoy my long ride home n den lie on my bed s e nite falls.. Shed some tear if i reach some depressing conclusion in my head.. N wait til my body gets exhausted n i doze off. Or like now? Log on with phone wifi n type an entry but not really listing e issues bothering me cos no point either. I jux feel kinda lonely n vulnerable mayb. Nitex to all..

ahaha..yes..ben is my bro. 'things will get better' is me! i nv expect him to play along w me. hmm..mayb in my eyes he is still the small little bro who noes nothing. oh my, my bro has grown up! HAHA~

*blows some dust*
ya its been quite some time. i wouldnt say that things has been going anywhere in particular. but only, bad. bad bad bad. things r just bad.
recently, my health has been bad. good lord. 1st was e gastric flu like thingie tt hit me. n then it was migraine n headaches in addition to tt gastric part. n then it was fever! wat else can b worse. shitty.
n then due to fever, i drank all sorts of cooling liang cha n stuff to hopefully bring down e heatiness in me, cos i was feeling my teeth shaking n hurting last weekend too. man its scary. i tot i was gonna b bogay soon!
n ok so now e fever is gone but hey! e aunty is here! boom! it arrived with a loud bang. n cos of all e liang stuff i ate/drank over e past week, e cramps n giddiness are juz killing me. argh. i hate my health now!!!!
shit.
i m feeling damn screwed realli. i tink i need a psychiatrist. no joke. e amt of stress i m facing in me? no one can understand.
its times like these i hope someone could save me. or protect me. some angelic figure?

nah. its juz me. me. me. n me alone.

no one will understand n no one can help.


someone said something recently.
"you are juz wasting your own time. do tink for urself."

ok. teach me.

sigh.

some pple r juz so 莫名其妙 realli.

they talk like nv go thru their brain to process 1st.

said i destroyed e friendship. based on wat?! its all juz bullshit. they r juz using a stupid thing as an excuse for something they wanna do.

sucker. dun give me ur nonsensical reasoning. if u even bother to explain.

friendship destroyed juz lidat? fine! tts no great friendship to start off with isnt it?

whole truck load of bullshits.

been feeling realli out of sorts recently. moody. irritable. sickening feeling. dunno y. probably too much uncertainties in my life now? i dunno. juz v v confused over some issues and i cant seem to analyse it properly. plus my school work. all in a mess. paper to draft. student to guide. experiments to plan. soon there will b modules to worry. kns.

feeling realli moody now sia. menopause menopause. realli shitty feeling. sigh..wat the hell..

no one for me to turn to also. haiz. not tt i noe wat to say anyway. oh well. dun feel like goin home either. but where can i go? stay in school n rot? ha. tts wat i doin now. but sigh. wats e point?

i need to find my happiness.

</div></div>
Ill Still Love You More - Trisha Yearwood</div>

Ask me how much you mean to me
And I wouldn't even know where to start
Ask if this love runs deep in me
And you won't find a deeper love in any heart

You could say you couldn't live one day without me
You could say all of your thoughts are about me
You could think no other love could be as strong
But you'd be wrong
You'd be wrong

If you say that you love me
More than anybody
Than anyone's ever been loved before
As much as you love me
Baby, I'll still love you
Baby, I'll still love you more
I'll still love you more

Ask me just what I'd do for you
And I'll tell you I would do anything
Ask if this heart beats true for you
And I'll show you a truer heart could never be

You could say there's not a star that you won't bring me
You could say there'll be no day that you won't need me
You could think no other love could last as long
But you'd be wrong
You'd be wrong

If you say that you love me
More than anybody
Than anyone's ever been loved before
As much as you love me
Baby, I'll still love you
Baby, I'll still love you more
I'll still love you more

And for every kiss
I'll kiss you back a hundred times
And for everything you do
I'll just do more
And for all the love you give
I'll give you so much back you'll see
Got so much love for you inside

If you say that you love me
More than anybody
Than anyone's ever been loved before
As much as you love me
Baby, I'll still love you
Baby, I'll still love you more
I'll still love you more

If you say that you love me
More than anybody
Than anyone's ever been loved before
No matter how much you love me
Baby, I'll still love you
Baby, I'll still love you more, yeah
I'll still love you more

i noe its been long since i updated here. tis is cos i had been busy with several things. n i m not exactly done with em yet. especially my very important presetation due nxt wednesday. yes. my presentation is not done at all! crap.

but y m i here? cos i m feeling damn pissed and angry. i dunno how long tis anger will last but i juz wanna let it out here.

she was e one who said so nicely n so damn sweetly tt she reserved friday for me. we hardly spent time tog for e last 2 days since she came back out from msia. i gave her e sad look. n tt was wat she said. so i was supposed to be satisfied w tt n to wait til friday before she is mine.

so friday comes.

no news.

no replies to my smses.

no updates to e planning.

no answering of my call. (i din keep calling. i onli called once. n tts cos its alr almost 6pm.)

i msged.

i called.

until its alr 6 plus pm. so m i supposed to go home? go plan other things? or continue to wait for her reply? to wait for her instructions?

i dislike tis feeling of waiting. i told her before. DUN go missing in action. how long does it take to type one sms? how much energy do you need to send tt sms to me? u r tired. then fine. tell me u r tired n say we cannot meet alr! dun make me come chasing aft you?!! i dun tink i deserve tt type of treatment. cos you were e one who told me friday is for me.

i got realli pissed. i sent a final msg over. asking her once again whether we are meeting or not. n asking y is she goin missing in action again.

her reply came.

"sorry sorry. i m too tired. you go home 1st ok"

so tts all i get for waiting for days. n hours. tts it?! if tis msg came to me tis morning or afternoon, i dun tink i will feel tt angry/hurt/disappointed/pissed.

y? y is it time n time again i haf to chase aft u for information n updates? i noe u dun like to report everything u did/r doing. i m not even asking tt from u. i juz dun wan you to go missing in action for one whole day/days. i m ur gf. i will worry for you. i will wonder wat u r doing at times. all simply cos i do tink abt you. when i see something interesting or did something funny, i will wan u to be e 1st person i share the information with. tts y i will msg you. such msges u dun reply, ye jiu suan le. but...haiz..

r u realli tt tired to cant even juz send me a msg to update? lets say u r tired at 3pm. u r not sure if u will feel better later at 6pm. at least tell me u r feeling tired n going to slp. will update me later or juz say not meeting str away. or meet later or smthing. i can stay in school n do my work while waiting for u. or i can go home if we r not meeting. but wat i need is juz a simple short msg. at least make me have a little idea wats in store for me aft school or smthing.

i realli dunno wat to feel. is tis anger? disappointment tt i m not meeting u later? or disappointment tt once again u go mia n i haf to chase you for info. wat will i get in e end? i might make u pissed cos i keep sms-ing you. or make u frustrated i keep calling cos u need to slp.

i realli dunno y lidat. my tap is spoilt.

once, a fren told me. (she tried to counsel me.) she said " mayb she is realli tired or busy. she expects you to understand. n you are understanding rite?"

i m understanding.

i m understanding?

if i m so understanding such tt i can take everything n anything, then basically i dun love her already. cos i cant even be bothered if she is ok/alive/dead/anything. i can be understanding. n i tink i m already trying v hard. but mayb not hard enough.

sigh..

i started off tis entry with much anger.

but now, wats left r juz sadness.

haven hear from her since ytd afternoon. i tot she was tired so went back to slp. onli when i went to read her blog, did i noe tt it had not been a gd day for her ytd. in fact, it hasnt been gd recently. sigh. she did so much for her family. she wanna do so much n be nice to her family but all she get were some scoldings in return. but i noe she wont give up juz there as she loves her family alot. but sometimes i juz feel unjustified for her.

nxt off is her ex company. they realli treat her badly. n somehow i juz cannot remove my sense of guilt. mayb i shld haf let her keep quiet. mayb i shld haf let her do things her way. n mayb things will not b in such a bad state. i dunno. i simply cannot help it but blame myself. but i noe its not something i shld do. stop it.

now i dunno how is she. no news no nothing. mayb she wanna b left alone. mayb she need some peace. i shall let her haf em.

sigh.

recently kept repeating tis song (chinese n english version). kinda nostalgic. but nice~ miss tt type of feeling...hm...or is it telling me something? hmm..no no...

anyway, the chinese lyrics r below...e english version is nice too. known as Brown Eyes by Destiny's Child. :)

恋人未满 - S.H.E

为什么只和你能聊一整夜 为什么才道别就又想再见面
在朋友里面 就数你最特别 总让我觉得很亲很贴
为什么你在意谁陪我逛街 为什么你担心谁对我放电
你说你对我 比别人多一些 却又不说是多哪一些

友达以上 恋人未满 甜蜜心烦 愉悦混乱
我们以后 会变怎样 我迫不及待想知道答案

再靠近一点点 就让你牵手 再勇敢一点点 我就跟你走
你还等什么 时间已经不多 再下去 只好只做朋友
再向前一点点 我就会点头 再冲动一点点 我就不闪躲
不过三个字 别犹豫这么久 只要你说出口 你就能拥有我

为什么 你寂寞只想要我陪 为什么我难过只肯让你安慰
我们心里面 明明都有感觉 为什么不敢面对

我不相信 都动了感情却到不了 爱情
那么贴心却进不了 心底 你能不能快一点决定
对我说我爱你

was watching e ah sao tv series on channel 8 n got me tinking abit.. haha..i like to tink..:P

it seems to realli portray e fact tt all men, once they r rich, r bound to haf a 2nd wife. haha...

n i spent some time thinking abt it aft e show, it is indeed true i muz say. with money comes the freedom to do things. n temptations s well.

some things mentioned by e guys in e show r juz so shit. one of em said tt he merely committed a crime which all men will commit. DIAOX!!! wat lousy reason/excuse is tt?! tts crap. :P n then he ask his wife to forgive him cos of tt. yet he has no intentions to leave e other woman~ bullshit! oops. too worked up over here. lol~

i can totally feel for e women in e show. they make me think twice n thrice abt wat my used to be ambition was sia. i dun even rem tt i once said i wanna b a housewife but my buddy reminded me. so ya. cannot believe it tt i actually tot of being one. hmm. mayb a taitai. but not a housewife. there is a big difference. housewife do all e work, put in all e effort n get nothing back in return. tai tai? do nothing n get to enjoy. :P all e housewives agreed on e fact tt their husbands treat em better when they were poor. once e husband become slightly rich? they get out of control!!

i actually wondered if bb will oso succumb to temptations once she become rich! lol~ i noe its like mega silly for me to relate like this but..:P wat if?! i m entitled to all e wat-ifs rite? :P if she become rich, she will haf another wife? nah...she will juz leave me! hahaha~ :X

finally my body has fallen ill. Throat hurts to even move. Nope i'm not talkin to anyone tdy. But yet, since mornin i've so many things to settle. Shitty. Someone booked for tem n can still msg me to say he overslept n whether i'm in lab etc. Hello? I cant alw cover ur shit ok..everytime book early slot oso end up ask me use 1st. So sorry then. I'm not in sch tdy. N ytd nite can still ask me book a slot for vsm. Wa lao. He doin hons proj or masters thesis?? No he is doin his phd. I forgot. Blah. I'm sick! I've no wish to handle ur shits. Wait til i'm well n we'll see. :p
N also sian cant really slp tis mornin. Was filled w tots o wat to do for expt tml or wat else to try n also callin up hosp for bb's referral letter n her missed appt. Its jux so disturbing! I'm definitely sure i've a fever runnin cos i'm sweatin since tis mornin! Nope its not cos o e weather. I dun normally sweat tt much. Recently i can feel e air o heat ard my body tts y i've been expectin a fever to be on its way. I sure hope i can get well by tml cos if not, someone will kill me for not bein thr to take e 2 indians for boss's mod's lab. She has been bearin e grudge since day 1. No way i'm allowed to fall sick. Tts wat she said. Fine. I die oso will turn up. F.
Anyway, bb's fingers have found a new hidin place! Guess where? Its no other than in between my flabs o fat! Yea my big tummy..my recent water retention has made it even more conducive for her tiny fingers to sneak in n get lost in e flabs. Lol..cosy eh? Dotxx..

its been awhile. Not been livin good especially psychologically. Last wkend was hell n known to many s friday e 13th weekend. Lotsa not v nice news n happenings. N since den, things jux hasnt seem to be changin for e better.
Finances r lousy. I nv seem to be able to keep my money for long. Its like everytime me n bb oso feelin e financial stress n strain. Sigh. My apologises for alw showin e super sian face.
Sch wise? Still not heading anywhr much. Still tryin to find my head. I dun wanna be a headless fly! Sigh. But been really moodless cos no results still.
Everytime sian i'll hope to c my bb but our liu lang lifestyle has drained e both o us n destroyed her lappie? Its terrible.miss e times we have a comfortable spot to slack n spend time tog. But fret not, she's movin soon. Yes again. But with tt, comes e financial issue again. Its lk a vicious cycle. When can we get out o it? Sigh.
Already sounds lk i've enough problems? Haha tts not all. Even ppl in my lab is givin me nitemares. Can u believe it? I'm facin stress fr my own proj plus my lab mates. Sucks to e core la! Makes me not even in e mood to stay in lab. Sigh. Bad bad bad!! Someone save me! I need a getaway. Even tarot cards also say i'm physically drained, weak, stressed, confused n v troubled at tis moment n tt i need to meditate n withdraw fr e society. Gosh. How accurate is tt. Was quite traumatised by it ytd. :s

yups. suddenly my mood took a U-turn. well not tt i was feeling all happy n stuff, but it was neutral n more of the okay feeling. but then after i sort of precipitated my product, i kinda sian diao. cos it doesnt seem tt optimistic.

actually i still feel like a headless fly buzzing around for my project. sian. wat if i dun get any results for e nxt few yrs?! i tink i will b e 1st ard to not be able to graduate ba. sigh. n shit them, the new rule of the necessity of papers being published before one can grad. argh!!!! i realli dunno how to pass e nxt few yrs. i dun even noe how to pass my conversion tis coming apr! gosh. i need to find e light~

sigh. everytime i seem to calm down, it doesnt last long. after awhile i will start to panic again. wat the hell. haiz.

my old lappie has crashed! or near crashing cos now it cannot get into the desktop page anymore~ sniff sniff.

to prevent any mishap tt most prob will happen v soon, i went to buy a new lappie alr~

so wanted a mac book or vaio notebooks, but..

oh well. settled with a fujitsu. i sure hope it can last.

althou i still dun like e windows vista. like..realli...dun like! :x

flooding my mind.

draft for boss not done. still struggling.

but

insightful conversation.

disheartening agreements.

we shld all spend some serious moments tinking abt important issues.

wat r ur goals in life?

wat do u wan out of smthing?

nope. not expecting anything shld not be an answer.

cos tt would mean tt u r living everyday without a meaning.

same for r/s,

if u r not expecting something out of a r/s,

then wats e point of having one? cos its e same without it. no?

assignment time. zzz

its gonna be another entry with quite abit of vulgarities. so pardon me. damn fucking pissed rite now.

so shit ass. boss juz gave me another thing to do. another group of students to take up for 4 weeks. every friday from 4 to 6pm. wat the hell? cant she see that there is one other person in this lab who is not even taking a honours student?! fucking hell! n tis other person is always e one who complains tt she is super busy n super wat-not with things when she, for one, is not taking any students, not rushing any expts cos she has only juz started on her masters program! n she is one who comes back to lab from lunch n sits there to take her afternoon nap while i will haf to go n collect dry ice for the honours students cos i m awake! how busy is she?! probably i m so fucking angry with her cos she is always making herself sound so pathetic but yet in actual fact, she is not the worst can? yes she is the one whom i mentioned before abt constantly saying she envies us cos we haf undergrad students under us to help us with some expts. but ello?! tt doesnt work for everyone can? i dun tink any of the students i haf taken up are helping me in my thesis! n when there comes a chance for her to take up a honours student, she tells boss tt she is not ready to take. wat the fuck! i tot she was sooo enthu abt it?!!

anywayz, i shall not talk abt e dry ice event. i haf alr taken. n she is not the only one who shld at least help to take. but i juz find it really weird to b in tis lab. it seems tt u cannot be nice in a lab. pple make use of u. honours students who r not under me come to me to ask me to help em with things. like taking dry ice or bringing em to IR lab to do analysis. ello!?! i m some da zha one is it? n she? has no students under her n juz sitting there but no one approaches her. even py oso wont ask zy to help if she is busy cos she noes zy will show blackface or attitude. *roll eyes* realli shld not b too nice in e lab.

anyway, comes the boss asking me to take another student. i accepted at first. but then i tot i shld reject it n ask boss to ask zy instead. but juz before i went into her ofc again, i decided to b nice and told boss y not me n zy split. n boss asked me to go tell zy abt it. but i said "no. i tink you as a boss shld tell her. its better." i can simply imagine zy's face. 1. she will b pissed! cos y? she has to take students. 2. she will still b pissed! cos y? she has to stay til 6pm on fridays! yes tt lab session to guide the students is from 4 to 6pm on fridays! argh! if my boss tinks i m freer tis sem cos i m not taking any modules, for gdness sake, i m not! i purposely dun take modules so tt tis sem i can spend more time on my project can?

haiz. juz got stopped halfway cos i needed to help another honours student with his things. n aft doin it, i kinda cooled down alr. i m lidat. i dun realli stay angry v long. s long s i get to vent it out, i shld get rather ok. anyway the trail of tots oso gone alr. well. i believe if i m to recall wat happened juz now, i will still fume up perhaps! boom! but for now. i wan peace. :P

on my way to sch, its usual tt i listen to class 95. N yup it has to b glenn n FD hosting it, if not i'd tink twice abt listenin. :) they'r one o e few DJs whom i'm listen to e content when they'r talking. Strangely, i dun really lk e songs they play. Unlike other timings n channels, i'd prefer listenin to music than e DJ's blabberings. Anyway, wat i wanted to blog abt now is something i heard fr class 95 tis mornin. They mentioned a survey done on wats e most popular mean to ask someone out on a date. Well, they started this topic cos tdy's apparently e anniversary for facebook! Beat tt, facebook started in 2004! I'm dead sure i din hear abt FB until two yrs ago! Hmm..anyway..ya they tot FB would hit e top s e most popular mean to ask someone out on a date! I was puzzled. But hmm. It turned out tt e 1st popular mean to ask for a date was given to SMS. Tis i agree. Den 2nd was...facebook! I really din expect tt. Hmm. N e third is email. FD den mentioned how sad tis survey has made him. Haha. He commented abt wat happened to conventional conversation n how we shld all b mute! Hmm. Tis is kinda similar to one o my older entries. But its true! I tink many ppl've lost e ability to communicate properly. Me for one is an example. Lookin ard me, thr'r so many cases o ppl who'd rather sms e other party to ask abt something or a date, instead o even calling. I used to support sms. I still do at times. Its cos sms saves e unnecessary awkwardness when thr's silence? Of cos tis also allows others to reject offers easier. Haha. Saves e awkwardness once again. Well. It probably makes lying much easier too! Oops. Now sms dun sound so nice afterall. But hey, s long s i dun use it for e wrong purposes, i tink its still a gd way for short exchange o info. Notice e word 'short'. If its serious issues, i tink talkin would serve better purpose. Afterall, facial expressions, emotions n e personal touch can never b transmitted over sms.

can a person b naturally understanding?

if it gets so tiring to b someone understanding, would it mean tt tis person is not even an understanding person to begin with?

being in a r/s has ironically taught me how to spend time alone n do things alone.

for several times, i haf shopped alone.

ytd i haf tot of goin to sing K alone. watch a movie alone n sit by e beach alone.

lol.

wat an irony. i nv used to haf such tots or done any of those. hmm.